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Five Styles Of Ritual Communication
Thomas F. Fischer, M.Div., M.S.A.
Number 145
- If "music," said Dr. Martin Luther, "is second only to theology," it
may be just as legitimate for pastors to say, "Communication is second only
to theology."
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- Communication is one of the most critical aspects of leadership. Unfortunately, pastoral
awareness of the critical importance of communication skills in general--and the ritual
use of communication in particular--have gone largely unnoticed in the typical seminary
training curriculum.
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- Introducing Deborah Tannen
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- In chapter two of her book, Talking From 9 to 5, best-selling author Deborah
Tannen states that communication is ritual, that is, it has predictable
patterns to convey specific styles of communication. These patterns, she says, are
culture-related. They are gender-specific. The meanings of these ritual communication
patterns vary from culture to culture, between male and female, etc.
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- Unfortunately, because communication patterns are "ritual," the uninitiated
may grossly misunderstand the real intent of ritual communications. Here's some examples.
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Five Styles Of Ritual Communication
- 1) Saying "I'm sorry" when you're not.
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- The Point:
- For many women, and a fair number of men, Tannen noted, saying "I'm
sorry" isn't an apology. Not at all! Instead, it's a communication
ritual used to restore balance to a relationship.
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- The Problem:
- Those saying, "I'm sorry," in this way may not be accepting blame at all.
Instead, they may simply be trying to restore relational balance. Instead of alienating
the other person by appearing "pompous," "controlling," etc, saying
"I'm sorry," gives an opening for balanced, mutually beneficial discussion among
equals.
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- The Pitfall:
- Studies show that, in general, women tend to use "I'm sorry" to establish or
re-establish relational balance. Men, more hesitant to say, "I'm sorry," tend to
use it more literally, that is, to apologize and admit failure. Communication
across gender lines may be a very fragile enterprise. At best, not recognizing the intent
of this style of ritual communication can cause misunderstandings. At worst, it can result
in all-out disaster.
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- 2) Giving Criticism
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- The Point:
- Women use criticism to extend concern, interest, and ownership to equals. Men use
criticism in a competitive manner to challenge others to greater excellence. For many men,
the competitive scenario created, (e.g. "Ah, I can do better than that!"
"Oh yeah, just watch me!"), encourages and incites excellence. Among males, it
demonstrate their respect for the other's competence, strength, and prowess.
- The Problem:
- The male preference for competitive ritual communication seems uncaring, harsh and mean
to women. Female preferences for using criticism to support is often misperceived as
"nagging" to men. The result? A vast chasm of communication between
"Mars" and "Venus."
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- The Pitfall:
- When ritual communication styles are misunderstood, unnecessary attributions (e.g.
"he or she is an antagonist") or unfair characterizations (e.g. he or she is
just a crabby ole ____") may arise. Unless this real intent of this style of
communication is recognized, there is inestimable potential of inciting, perpetuating, or
escalating unnecessary conflict.
-
- 3) Confrontation
- The Point:
- In general, men are more likely to enter a direct challenge with opposition. Women, on
the other hand, prefer an indirect approach. First, they establish rapport. Then, and only
then, will they solicit uncensored advice and/or challenges.
-
- The Problem:
- Men may grossly mistaken the women's lack of male directness as "cowardly,"
"weak," etc. Women, on the other hand, may retract from the threatening
directness of the male approach.
The Pitfall:
- Confrontation, to a great degree, is gender-related. If the preferred communication
ritual is not recognized, the wrong approach may irreversibly destroy trust and rapport.
Disregard for respective communication rituals can be interpreted as insensitivity.
Bridge-building and mediating conflict can become a difficult--even impossible--task. One
can only wonder how many church conflicts, especially between pastor and other-gendered
parishioners, are the result of a misunderstanding of confrontational styles.
- 4) Asking, "What Do You Think?"
- The Point:
- Women use some ritual communications such as "What do you think?" merely--and
specifically--to show consideration and build rapport.
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- The Problem:
- These styles of ritual communication, often intended to show consideration, may be
misinterpreted by others as indicating a speaker's lack confidence and decisiveness.
Nothing could be further from the truth!.
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- The Pitfall:
- Males may mistakenly interpret "What do you think?" to be indicative as
uncertainty and hesitancy. Almost always, Tannen suggests, women using this ritual
communication style are extraordinarily strong, courageous, capable individuals with great
conviction. "What do you think?" may also indicate that the speaker possesses unusually
strong skills in building rapport and communication.
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- What's the bottom line? Though men may not understand it because it is not their
preferred communication style, women who use this communication ritual may be
demonstrating remarkable leadership potential! Encourage and use these
God-given leaders!
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- 5) What's So Funny?
- Point:
- Research, as Tannen noted, indicates that there are gender preferences for humor. Men
prefer razzing, teasing, and mock-hostile attacks. Women, on the other hand, prefer
self-mocking.
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- Problem:
- Among same-gendered recipients, shared humorous communication rituals can be
exhilarating and rapport enhancing. The same rituals, however, can be perceived as
insensitive, uncaring, merciless and unnecessary. This is especially true for women who
observe--or are the focus of--the male "mock attack" ritual.
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- Pitfalls:
- Well-intended humor may cause untold harm when ritual preferences and perceptions are
ignored. Tragically, male humor which may have been intended extend friendship, respect
and acceptance to a female may have the exact opposite result.
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- Women, directed by their own gender rituals, may become infuriated at a man for having
made another individual the "butt" of a joke. Men, on the other hand, may not
understand why women continually put themselves down to make themselves the
"butt" of the jokes.
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- What's the bottom line? The price of not recognizing other-gendered communication
rituals can cause unnecessary--and unintended--alienation, hurt and conflict.
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- Not Just Gender-Related
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- Tannen claims these ritual communication patterns are gender-specific. This is not
necessarily so. Simply to assert that "all" males or "all" females
behave in a certain manner is unreasonable, unrealistic and false. It may also be
"sexist." Cultural influences, personality characteristics, education and
awareness of communication rituals, and expected behaviors of individuals within certain
settings (e.g. church) may also play a major role in the use and perception of ritual
communication patterns.
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- Yet, in spite of these influences, Tannen indicates that gender is a major factor in
ritual communication. To the extent this is true, Christian leaders must factor in these
communication preferences in their ministry dealings among parishioners of either gender.
Improve Your Communication Skills!
- What things can pastors do to improve their communication skills?
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- 1) Become Aware Of Communication Issues. Communication issues are a
major blind side for pastors. Awareness of this is always a good and essential first step
toward growth.
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- 2) Read and Learn About Communication Issues. Tannen's books, Talking
From 9 to 5, You Just Don't Understand, and John Gray's books on
communication and relationships (e.g. Men are from Mars..., et al) are an
excellent beginning. Enrolling in communications-related classes at a local college or
university is another outstanding option. If possible, enroll in classes held in a
multi-cultural setting so that you can observe and experience the richness and variety of
ritual communication styles.
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- 3) Observe And Learn Your--And Others'--Ritual Communication Styles.
Start to become cognizant of your own ritual communication preferences. How do you use
humor? How do specific individuals respond to your humor? Do you notice a difference in
the reception of the humor along gender and/or cultural lines? Do you make direct
statements sound like questions? Or are you direct and emphatic when making statements?
How do groups and individuals respond to your style in various situations? How do you
criticize and encourage? Do you nag? Are you bossy? How do others perceive your criticism
and encouragement? Are they annoyed? Encouraged? Do they get the message intended?
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- 4) Don't Treat Everyone Alike. People are not clones. All
women are not alike; neither are all men. Ritual communication may be strongly influenced
by gender-related preferences and tendencies. However, only the most insensitive
leadership would engage in a stereotypical "pigeon holing" of any individuals.
This does a great injustice to God's people and inflicts harm on the pastoral office.
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- All Christians--male, female, young, old, and of all ethnic and cultural groupings--are
God's individually gifted and chosen children of God. Each has specific purposes, needs,
functions, motivations, personalities and potential contributions for the church.
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- Reaching out to each individual. Recognize and celebrate their respective preferred
ritual communication styles. This approach can help build strong, trusting bridges of
encouragement for effective teamwork in ministry.
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- 5) Learn And Develop Skills In Using Various Styles Of Ritual Communication.
Various ritual communication styles have endured is simply because they work. Notably,
they work best in the situations for which they were designed. Understood and used
properly, they help build rapport. They strengthen relationships. They ease tension. They
build trust. Most importantly, they can help build ministry.
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- Learn your preferred style. Learn other's styles. Then experiment with other ritual
communication styles. Learn what is effective and then adapt your communication style for
more effective communication.
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- Once you gain a mastery of various ritual communication styles, who knows what good can
result? Indeed, the energy you spend on understanding ritual communication may help you
avoid "fighting fires" in your ministry. It may help direct precious energies
toward carrying forward the mission of Christ's Church.
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- Most importantly, understanding ritual communication may open up new opportunities for a
more effective pastoral ministry to all parishioners. As you understand them, you will be
able to give them greater affirmation, an affirmation that may well come back to
strengthen you in your ministry!
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- Thomas F. Fischer
Topical
Index Articles 1-49
Articles 50-99 Articles
100-149 Articles 150-199
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200-249 Articles 250-299
Articles 300-349 Articles
350-399
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was revised on:
Tuesday, October 05, 2004 11:02:24 PM
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